Relationship Matters Smart Ways to Be Assertive
Relationship Matters
Smart Ways to Be Assertive
Q: Iâm getting increasingly frustrated with my wife, Nancy. She somehow seems to be tricking me into getting what she wants, regardless of the situation. Even though Iâve always thought we did a decent job of talking to each other, Iâm beginning to wonder what on earth is happening between us.
The other day is a good example. She said she wanted to have 3 couples over for dinner on Saturday night. I told her there was no way we were having six people to a dinner party that night because Iâd already planned to help my parents move their furniture that afternoon. But somehow, she convinced me it would all work out.
It didnât work out because I was an hour late getting home. She was fuming that she had to prepare all the food and entertain the guests by herself. Later, when we discussed what happened, the conversation ended with her yelling at me and slamming the door as she ran out of the room. How can I possibly get her to listen to me when sheâs behaving this way?
Why did I agree to her selfish demands in the first place?
A: Your relationship with your wife, Nancy, appears to be suffering from a communication breakdown. Such a rift occurs when, even though youâre talking together, the true messages you hope to transmit fail to get through.
Since the style of your communication dictates how well you will get along in the long run, itâs wise to be familiar with the most common communication styles. Then, you can communicate as honestly and clearly as possible.
Q: What do you mean by the âstyleâ of our communication?
A: There are three main styles of verbal communication: passive, assertive, and aggressive. It will make it easier to understand if you think of these styles as being on a continuum, moving from barely being able to openly communicate your needs, to doing so clearly and completely, to making verbal demands that overstep personal boundaries in negative ways.
Q: Okay. The first way doesnât sound too effective and the last way doesnât either. It sounds like the middle one is the strategy to use. I think I need to know more about these styles.
A: Generally, youâre correct. When we communicate assertively, we do so in ways that make our point cleanly and concisely. But letâs first discuss the passive style of communication.
When youâre passive, you might not say much or you might avoid saying what you really mean. For example, maybe when the subject came up about having the dinner party on the same day as you were planning to help your parents, you might have felt you didnât want to rock the boat so you avoided being openly honest about your feelings.
You might have even been a bit wishy-washy about your real thoughts regarding the dinner party.
Q: Yes, thatâs exactly how I reacted. Lately, Iâve just been kind of going along with Nancy to avoid a disagreement rather than telling her how I really feel about something.
A: If youâre passive in your communication style, you might say things like, âIâm not so sure I want to do thatâ rather than, âI prefer not to do thatâ or âThat would be inconvenient for me because of my schedule. I canât do it then.â So Nancy may feel like she can talk you into whatever she wants because of your passive nature.
Q: So, I didnât make it clear to Nancy that I didnât want to have guests at all that day and so she just did whatever she felt like doing.
A: Right. Communicating passively can also involve not looking Nancy in the eyes while you are having a discussion. When you look directly at her, sheâs more likely to pay attention and gain a true understanding of what youâre saying.
Now, weâre talking about assertive communication. While making eye contact, be honest about your true feelings, and tactfully state your point.
Q: But Iâm concerned that if I wouldâve told her how I really felt, she wouldâve gotten mad at me. Is it right to tell her the truth, even if I know it will make her angry?
A: When we communicate assertively, we can avoid being overly demanding in our speech. You can watch your tone of voice to avoid sounding frustrated or angry when speaking to Nancy.
A good example of assertive communication in your initial discussion with Nancy about the dinner party might sound something like, âThereâs no way I can make it home to help you cook the dinner, nor would I be a very good host that night because Iâm sure Iâll be very tired. I definitely canât take part in a dinner party that same evening.â
Notice the wording and the use of âIâ in the example. Also, in the last sentence, the statement was exactly what you wanted.
Q: What if Nancy gets mad when I say something like that?
A: Hopefully, youâll find that when youâre honest and open about your feelings and get directly and to the point, Nancy will appreciate it.
But if she does get upset or angry, you can listen to what she has to say and then say something like, âIâm sorry youâre upset, but I agreed to help my parents over a month ago. Please understand that Iâm willing to do the dinner party another weekend, just not that one.â
Itâs at these times that itâs especially important you avoid getting angry or frustrated. You can avoid showing these emotions by watching your tone of voice.
Focus instead on your own feelings and communicating them clearly. At the same time, listen carefully to Nancy when she speaks. If you persevere with this method, sheâll see that youâre being exceptionally honest, caring, and concerned during your discussions.
Q: So, even if Nancy gets upset, I should listen calmly and then continue to tell her the truth about what I think and feel.
A: Yes. Itâs important to avoid becoming verbally aggressive in any conversation. One who exhibits an aggressive communication style often comes across as selfish, demanding, and even intimidating to others. They might blame others or even become verbally abusive, calling names, cursing, or threatening others.
As you might imagine, if you have two people in a conversation using an aggressive communication style, then itâs more likely the argument will quickly become volatile.
Luckily, that doesnât sound like it would be an issue for you and Nancy. If you apply the suggestions to communicate assertively, you should be able to get your wants and needs met appropriately in your relationship with her.
Q: Iâm thinking that Nancy and I have developed some kind of pattern in our communication where Iâm being quiet or passive and sheâs getting a little aggressive, in order to get her way. What should I do about that?
A: Sometimes, two individuals whoâve been together a while can develop unhealthy patterns like the one youâre describing. If this is the case, first focus on consistently being more open and honest while verbalizing your own wants and needs when communicating with Nancy. This way, sheâll begin to be aware of what your wants and needs actually are.
However, if she continues to communicate in an aggressive way or with strategies youâre uncomfortable with to get what she wants, it might be wise to bring this situation to her attention. Tell her honestly what you have noticed, without malice or accusation.
Then, mention youâd like for both of you to try to communicate openly with one another without getting too demanding or angry. You could also mention that youâre bringing up this situation because you love her very much and want to have the best relationship possible with her. Your goal is for you to become a solid team.
Q: I never thought of saying anything like that to her. It sounds like it would work. In the past, Iâve felt that, regardless of the topic, she wasnât really listening to what I had to say.
A: That must have been difficult. If that should happen again, stop at the moment that you feel sheâs stopped listening, and state your feelings assertively (âRight now, I feel like youâre not hearing meâ). Perhaps, Nancy doesnât realize what sheâs doing.
Sheâs more likely to adjust her communication style with you when she realizes the dynamic going on between the two of you. You can help her see whatâs happening by letting her know in ways that will be non-threatening to her.
When you gain an understanding of common communication styles, youâll be ready to make an effort to use more effective methods of communicating with your partner. Once you identify your own style and the style of your partner, you can then begin to understand why you talk to one another in the ways you do.
Make it your goal to focus on making personal changes in order to communicate more assertively. As you do so, your partner will learn from you. Hopefully, sheâll follow your lead in sharing her feelings and communicating her own wants and needs more effectively.
